It’s My Fault…

It’s behind our smiles where our tears are kept hidden; it’s where we keep the pain and secrets that we don’t want others to see or know about. It’s behind these smiles where shame, guilt, and blame live…

You see, it’s all my fault we tell ourselves. I should’ve screamed. I should’ve fought back, I should’ve, could’ve, would’ve….but I didn’t. Instead, I froze and allowed this to happen to me. You know, society tells me all the things that I should and shouldn’t do, so it has to be my fault. The responsibility is mine; it’s not my attacker’s, right? I should’ve known better. But I said no, wasn’t that enough? I cried and pleaded for someone to help, but no one came, no one rescued me. Was that too not enough? I didn’t ask for this to happen to me. I did nothing wrong, but somehow, it’s still my fault, right?

When I see others living life so happy and carefree, I wonder, can they see what hides behind this mask I wear? Do they know that it’s just a facade? Has my secret been exposed? Or maybe they too are just like me hiding behind a mask. Maybe just like me, when no one is looking, they binge drink and pop pills to drown out the memory. Or maybe they, too, self-mutilate by cutting themselves until their vision goes blurry and they black out…Or maybe they too have attempted to take their own lives, just to finally have peace, but failed miserably at that too. That’s it, they’re just like me…

Or maybe, just maybe, it’s all in my head, and I so desperately don’t want to feel all alone in this. I mean, who really cares enough to see what’s behind my fake smile or to hear the tormented screams behind my eyes? Seriously, who is willing to look behind the window dressing and remove this mask? But wait…. By having my mask removed, I’ll be exposing my secrets for the world to see, and that frightens me; for fear that they too will blame me, or worse, laugh at my pain or not understand my pain at all!!!

So no, I think I’ll just continue to wear this mask, live in silence. After all… it was my fault.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I wore this mask for 12 years after my assault, living in a perpetual state of fear, shame, guilt,

and blame. Blaming myself for not fighting back or running away. Scolding myself for not being able to protect myself, and this went on for 12 years.  It literally took me 12 years to realize that it wasn’t my fault, and that there was nothing that I could say or do to warrant my attack.